CWs for this application: suicide, mental illness

OOC INFORMATION
Player Name: Panthera
Pronoun Preferences: it/its
Contact: pantheraliam
Are you over the age of 18?: yes
Current Characters: Eren Jaeger, Omori, Oda Sakunosuke
4th Character Proofs:
Eren Jaeger:
October Proof #1
October Proof #2

November Proof #1
November Proof #2

December Proof #1
December Proof #2

Sunny / Omori:
October Proof #1 (text thread)
October Proof #2

November Proof #1
November Proof #2

December Proof #1
December Proof #2

Oda Sakunosuke:
October Proof #1
October Proof #2 (text thread)

November Proof #1
November Proof #2

December Proof #1
December Proof #2

Link to Permissions: permissions

IC INFORMATION
Character Name: Neil Perry
Species: human
Canon: Dead Poets Society
Canon Point: post-death (near the end of the movie)
Character Age: 17
Powers and Abilities: n/a
What Did Your Character Wish For? He only wished for an escape.
What Potion Did They Receive? Gold
Did They Drink It? Yes
If Yes, What Element/Animal? He will transform into a deer.

Character Questions:
1. Who is the person your character is most bonded with from their canon, or who is someone they miss the most and why?

It's worth noting that Neil has an extremely close bond with all of his friends, the group being rather tight-knit in general, but there are a few people worth mentioning.

Neil's best friend is Charlie Dalton. It's clear that Neil's bond with Charlie is the strongest among the group, given their level of familiarity and comfort with each other, Neil's enthusiasm at consulting Charlie on all matters before anyone else, and Neil's ability to confront Charlie directly when he does something to potentially put the Dead Poets Society's longevity in danger. They are extremely close, unafraid to be honest with each other, always happy to see one another, and trusting with their vulnerabilities. When Neil pursues his passion for acting and stars in a play, Charlie and Neil's other friends show up with nothing but support and enthusiasm for the happiness of their friend, despite Neil receiving judgment from his family. This is the type of bond that Neil shares with all of his friends, but particularly Charlie, who goes so far as to run after Neil when he's leaving the play to congratulate him. He also tries to reason with Neil's angry father before they drive away.

Neil also has an exceptionally strong bond with his English teacher, Mr. Keating, whom he sees as not only a role model, but a great source of inspiration, which is something Neil craves more than anything. He is always searching for something to latch onto, to give him something to strive for, to feel passion for something that he chooses himself. Mr. Keating encourages Neil and his other students to do just this. From the moment Neil meets Mr. Keating, he's captivated by his wisdom, passion, and conviction.

When Neil is facing issues with his father, he goes to Mr. Keating directly for advice. He gets emotional - even cries - and opens up to the man about the way he truly feels, his deep desires, the fact that he feels trapped in a life he doesn't want. This is extremely significant, as Neil later ends up committing suicide due to these feelings, and these issues with his father. His unhappiness is something that he goes to great lengths to withhold for most of his life - opening up to Mr. Keating about his hopes and insecurities is a demonstration of great trust.

2. What are they most afraid of and why?

Neil is afraid of living an empty life. He's afraid of not having a choice - not in what he does, not in what he likes, not in how he feels, not in what he wants. His father has his life planned out for him entirely, pressuring him to exceed at Welton, his preparatory school, so he can attend Harvard and become a doctor. Neil is meant to do what his parents never had the opportunity to do, become successful, and provide for his family. He is made to relinquish his passions and give up hobbies / extra-curriculars that he enjoys because his father has decided they're useless. When he decides to pursue acting, he must lie in order to get around his father's forbiddance. He does this because he wants nothing more than to find and pursue something that brings him true happiness and fufillment.

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately... I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

Above, a passage that drives Neil toward his passion, and subsequent downfall.

3. What are their emotional, mental, and physical weaknesses and why?

To get it out of the way, Neil's physical ability is simply that of an average teenage boy. He can probably throw a punch, but he's unlikely to. That would be his weakness - he's really nothing compared to all the fighters in Somnius. He has no magical abilities either.

Neil's most significant weakness is his inability to manage his own emotions. He does not have violent outbursts or uncontrollable anger, so he is not an explosive person - instead, he has bouts of uncontrollable energy, leading to drastic and unwise decisions, like faking a letter from his father about permission to act in the play at Henley Hall. There are other scenes where he can be seen messing with his friends, jumping around on furniture, practically screaming, inspired by the newest thing he's latched onto (acting).

Having mentioned that, one could argue that Neil doesn't truly have the level of passion for acting that he thinks he does. What Neil really wants is something that will inspire him and drive him forward - he tends to try new things, one right after another, in order to find this. This is a mental weakness, in my opinion. Neil doesn't know what he actually wants, and so, when something bad happens, he can't process it normally, and shuts down entirely.

Before his suicide, when his father tells him he'll be leaving Welton and going to military school, he seems to shut off completely. He becomes subdued and doesn't argue when his father demands to know what he wants - again, he doesn't really know. This lends more to the feeling of being trapped. When Neil could no longer see a way forward, his passion ripped out from under him, he saw no other path but to end his pain.

4. What discrepancies are there between their inner self (who they feel they are) and their outer self (how they present themselves to others)?

I'll begin with the outer self, because this is the Neil that everyone knows - a straight A student at a prestigious academy, destined for Harvard University with a degree in medicine. Neil is a performer. He plays the role of the perfect son, the perfect student, never arguing, never stepping a toe out of line. He becomes freer with his friends, pushing boundaries, engaging in rebellious acts, but even they don't see the deepest recesses of Neil's heart. He hides because...

He doesn't understand his inner self. He's full of so many emotions, rapidly oscillating, ever shifting, ever growing, that he can't begin to process all of them. He's capable of enough emotional regulation to continue playing the role mentioned above, but often has fits of extreme sadness or overwhelming excitement, to the point that both are distressing, merely by how overwhelming they are. He craves purpose, inspiration, passion, but he can never quite grasp it, rapidly switching between interests in an attempt to nail something down. He can't make sense of his own wants, needs, fufillment; so, he has no real sense of self at all.

5. What would make them happiest and why?

It bears repeating - Neil just wants something that will bring him fufillment. He wants to feel as though he's truly participating in life, exploring new passions, new paths, new places. He doesn't want to be tied down by expectations. But Neil doesn't know how to achieve this. He reaches for anything that will keep his attention in hopes that it will somehow reveal the exit to the trap he's caught in, but of course, he can never hold onto anything for long.

Neil will continue seeking fulfillment, passion, inspiration, and drive just so long as he's alive. It was when he felt that he could no longer find those things that he gave up on life altogether.

6. What characteristics does someone need to have to be your character's ideal significant other?
Neil wants a significant other that brings him that great passion which I've mentioned several times above. He is a romantic-minded person in every sense of the word - romantic toward life, his passions (however fleeting), his friends, his longing; to that end, he needs someone as determined to "live deliberately" as he wanted to be. He wants to feel inspired and driven, pushed to new heights, thrown into new experiences head first - and he needs a partner who will facilitate this.

7. Would your character make a sacrifice to save someone else and why or why not?
Neil would most certainly sacrifice himself to save someone that he cared about - to save anyone, really, if they needed it. Imagery from the film paints him as martyr with a crown of thorns. He dies for his passion, a martyr for those who cannot pursue their passions in life - it tells me that he would sacrifice for others, as well. Not only that, but Neil is a nurturer. When his friends are upset, he puts aside his own troubles to help comfort them, and I think he would take this to great lengths. He doesn't particularly value himself or his own life - he'd much rather hand it over to someone else if it meant that they could find happiness.

8. What is one thing they would tell their younger self if they had the chance, or if your character is young, what is one thing they would want their older self to remember?
Neil dies young. He'll never have an opportunity to meet his older self, and he's too lost to give any advice to a younger, more hopeful Neil. If he met his older self at seventeen, I don't think he would tell so much as ask. He'd want to know if he ever "found it". He'd want to know what his life became - if he became a doctor like his father wanted, his flame suffocated, or if he managed to achieve some dream that he doesn't even know he has. He might want to know if he became a successful actor, but really, it was never about the acting. He'd just want to know if he found some way to be happy, some answer to the question inside of him that's constantly searching.

9. When in dire circumstances does your character fight, flee, freeze or fawn and how does that look?
There are two potential answers to this question:

For most of his life, when Neil is faced with "dire" circumstances - most often, and most namely, avoiding his father's anger, or the ire of other adults he's meant to impress - Neil tends to fawn. He will swallow his own feelings and discomfort to present whatever image pleases the other person. He does this to avoid punishment, and does so often.

However, when it came down to the most dire circumstance Neil had ever faced - his passion ripped away from him, his father condeming him to a life that felt worse than death - Neil responded by fleeing. He couldn't face the misery that towered above him, so he took his life into his own hands, and chose to end it. He simply felt he had no other choice but to escape in the only way he knew how.

10. Why did your character make the wish they did?
Neil feels trapped. He didn't kill himself because he wanted to die - he wanted to live, but he felt that that opportunity was taken away from him. He has long felt as though he were a prisoner, and wants more than anything to be free. When he died, and entered that strange liminal space where a contract was offered, he still only had one thing on his mind - the same thing he had on his mind when he pulled the trigger; he just wants to escape.

Samples:
log sample
network sample